Black Hole at Center of Galaxy Too Big To Fail: NASA, Congress to Send Spaceship Loaded with Cash

Galactic Bailout Needed or Galaxy Could Collapse, Say Officials  

In a show of galactic leadership, according to White House officials, the United States is about to embark on a massive rescue mission whose beneficial effects on our economy might not be felt for centuries. NASA scientists have identified a massive black hole at the center of the galaxy which is "simply too big to fail," according to John Holdren, Science Czar. "If we don't prop it up with massive amounts of cash from US taxpayers, it could become unstable and simply collapse," Holdren warned during a press conference today featuring leaders from the White House, NASA, Congress, the Federal Reserve, and Goldman Sachs.

To prevent galactic collapse, a massive spaceship over 100 meters long is being prepared to carry the largest shipment of taxpayer money in history, with an estimated $5 trillion payload of currency being printed at high speed by the Federal Reserve Bank. "This black hole did nothing wrong," explained Barney Frank of the Senate Black Hole Support Committee. "It just needs a little help to keep it from collapsing. If we don't act fast, we'll all be doomed."

The money will be delivered to the black hole after an intergalactic journey of approximately 250 years. "We're running out of time and must act now or the galaxy could blow up and unemployment reach record highs," warned Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. Goldman Sachs officials will ensure that the money is safely placed within the spaceship and safely delivered to its destination at the heart of the galaxy. Former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson, in a model bipartisan effort with current Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner, will provide oversight over Goldman Sachs and the transfer of currency from the Fed. Paulson has no connections to Goldman Sachs apart from being its former CEO. "Oversight of this vital bailout money is a heavy responsibility which I humbly accept for the good of the galaxy. Tim and I will make sure the money goes where it needs to go," said Paulson at the press conference today, shortly before flying to a celebration event on Wall Street.

In a proactive effort to abate criticism from talk-show hosts and some Republican leaders, an executive order has been signed calling for enhanced transparency in the operation. Specifically, critics will be allowed to personally oversee the delivery of the bailout funds to the black hole by going along for the ride. "Our critics can see for themselves and ride along in style, all expenses paid. We've built an extra-large recliner into the ship just for Rush Limbaugh," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs explained. "We're making sure he's on that flight." A suite is also being provided for the entire Fox News staff in the ship so that exclusive  live coverage of the rescue mission can be provided during the voyage. "We hope this gesture of goodwill might permanently fix our relationship with Fox," Gibbs said. 

(Image derived from the image at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:BH_LMC.png under a Wikipedia Commons license. The modified version may be freely distributed without alteration.)

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