Going Beyond Placebos: The Power of Side Effects

Recent findings on the placebo effect in treating depression suggest that 75% of the benefit of medication comes from the placebo effect. What's especially interesting is that the other 25% of the benefit may not come from the biological impact of the drugs, but from the BOOST in the placebo effect that occurs when patients experience actual SIDE EFFECTS. People being treated for depression know that placebos are often used, and when they don't experience side effects, they suspect placebos and thus can weaken the placebo effect since they may think they are not being medicated after all.

If a psychological response to side effects is what gives patients get the full benefit of medication - unleashing the full power of placebos - then the goal of medical science should be to help patients THINK they are getting side effects, when in fact no harm is done. In other words, to make placebos really work, we need to add placebo side effects.

Attention, medical community, here's the idea that can save lives and make you guys heroes: use placebos, use them ubitiquously, but don't forget to add placebo side effects.  I recommend electronic sensors that you give your patients to monitor some unusual aspect of biochemistry, with the sensors being rigged to show side effects. For example, prescribe a heavy dose of "FeelGooditrol," but warn that skin chemistry may be jeopardized. Give them a Galvanic Skin Response sensor that they place on their forearm daily, and warn them to call you immediately if the value drops below or above some arbitrary value. The sensor is rigged to give normal values for a few days, and then to drop into the danger zone. The patient gets worried about the side effects and comes in again (extra payments!), allowing you to "adjust the dose" or switch medications, while you reset the sensor to show more side effects in another couple of weeks. Keep the patients agitated about the side effects (bonus tip: make sure your receptionists comment on how pale or flushed the patient looks when he or she comes in), keep the sensors going out of bounds every now and then, and throw in a few suggestive ideas to help them imagine additional side effects.

In fact, I'm thinking of starting a company, Side Effects Unlimited, that could be a division of my own Mega Placebos Plus, the leaders in exploiting placebos for new commercial uses. Side Effects Unlimited would market rigged biosensors, as described above, and would also provide placebos with harmless but potentially impressive side effects (add some laxative, and warn of intestinal disruption; use garlic pills as the placebo, and warn of possible halitosis; or administer beet juice or harmless dyes that can alter urine color, and warn of kidney dysfunction).

Investors, feel free to start the cash rolling in. Yes, it's a real investment - a placebo investment, like many modern investments. You'll get a good feeling about investing in a business that could really boom, and I'll get a good feeling, too. And hey, as long as you feel that you're investing in your future, isn't that all that matters?

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