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New Terrorist Update: Imminent Plot to Kidnap President Reagan!
A pre-dawn raid of a secluded Al Qaeda training center in Iraq yesterday netted what Homeland Security experts are calling "the freshest terrorist information we have seen to date." The information shows that Al Qaeda has recently developed an intricate plan for kidnapping President Reagan while meeting with foreign leaders at Camp David, Maryland. The plan is said to contain alarmingly detailed information regarding structures, schedules, routes, personnel, security systems, and so forth, even including such details as the brand of toilet paper used at Camp David. "Their level of preparation is far beyond anything we anticipated, though we are completely ready to deal with this," said Tom Bridge, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "While the enemy threat should enough to scare most people senseless," Bridge said, "the American people will be safe as long as stay the course and keep George Bush in office."
Secretary Bridge also noted that a related newly uncovered plot calls for kidnapping Vice President Dan Quayle in his sleep from the grounds of the Naval Observatory in Washington, the site of the vice presidential manor. In response, Camp David, the White House, the Naval Observatory grounds, and the personal homes of Reagan and Quayle have been assigned Code Red and are now being protected by thousands of additional security forces. Vehicular and pedestrian traffic within several miles of these sites is being delayed for random searching. Anticipating the possibility of last-minute revisions in the terrorists’ plans, about one hundred additional officers, several tanks, and an F-16 have also been assigned to protect Reagan's grave to prevent kidnapping of the corpse.
Much of the new information exposing the imminent terrorist threat was extracted from a newly seized Al Qaeda Internet server, coupled with volumes of intercepted chatter and decoded e-mail. However, high-placed officials acknowledge that some critical components of the intelligence were forcibly extracted from prisoners captured in the raid and from others in custody at Abu Ghraib. Donald Rumsfeld refused to comment regarding the degree torture had been used, but asked, "In the fight against evildoers, what act is too extreme to obtain vital information like this?" Popular commentary Rush Limbaugh agreed that "if this doesn't justify our use of extreme measures, then I don't know what does."
After facing criticism for issuing terrorists alerts in New York and New Jersey based on information that was actually several years old, Bush Administration officials believe the newly obtained information will more fully establish their credibility in the war against terror - a goal they emphasize is secondary to the mandate to protect the American people. Senator John Kerry, however, criticized the move to protect Reagan as "too little, too late." In a press conference today, Kerry claimed that "The American people want leadership, not inaction. We should have been doing this long ago, as I've been saying all along." Administration officials dismissed Kerry's statements as "just another example of meaningless chatter."